Wednesday, April 13, 2016

One feet over the other and repeat.

Many things have changed for me after my parent's divorce, after we kept moving from one place to another, in our vain attempts to escape memories. Because we ended up in the same town anyway, all bitterness still intact.

Many things have changed. I see every person and everything that reminds me of my past and it tasted so bitter on my tongue. Bile. 

I see old friends and misses them. But I also see and feel the memories that I don't ever want to reminisce. I can feel the shame. I don't want to reach out because it's either they remember the memories I want to forget or they don't remember me at all. I look at their photos and I think " How I wish I can be a part of this." I see old friends and I misses them. Are we still friends, though?

Years ago, I didn't want to live. But I'm still breathing now. I survived the dark days. Sometime I couldn't sleep and sometimes all I do is sleep but I managed to get out of bed eventually. I face the day, albeit not bravely. But I did. I go home, washed the day away, turn off the lights, lie down and listen to my heart still beating. Still breathing. Some nights I cry it all away. But I survived, didn't I? Through all the suffering and suicidal thoughts. Through all the anxiety and irrational fears. Through all the shame. Through embarrassing habits that people scorn. 

Just, one feet over the other, and repeat. Keep it going. I managed through these years, I'm gonna make it for more years.  

Bjork. Picture from FFFFound

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