Wednesday, April 13, 2016

One feet over the other and repeat.

Many things have changed for me after my parent's divorce, after we kept moving from one place to another, in our vain attempts to escape memories. Because we ended up in the same town anyway, all bitterness still intact.

Many things have changed. I see every person and everything that reminds me of my past and it tasted so bitter on my tongue. Bile. 

I see old friends and misses them. But I also see and feel the memories that I don't ever want to reminisce. I can feel the shame. I don't want to reach out because it's either they remember the memories I want to forget or they don't remember me at all. I look at their photos and I think " How I wish I can be a part of this." I see old friends and I misses them. Are we still friends, though?

Years ago, I didn't want to live. But I'm still breathing now. I survived the dark days. Sometime I couldn't sleep and sometimes all I do is sleep but I managed to get out of bed eventually. I face the day, albeit not bravely. But I did. I go home, washed the day away, turn off the lights, lie down and listen to my heart still beating. Still breathing. Some nights I cry it all away. But I survived, didn't I? Through all the suffering and suicidal thoughts. Through all the anxiety and irrational fears. Through all the shame. Through embarrassing habits that people scorn. 

Just, one feet over the other, and repeat. Keep it going. I managed through these years, I'm gonna make it for more years.  

Bjork. Picture from FFFFound

Friday, September 25, 2015

Puisi yang pahit-pahit (puisi bagiku)

Aku suka pada puisi, seperti suka aku pada kopi
Hitam dan pahit dan panas, dihirup berdikit-dikit.

Puisi bagiku adalah seperti perbualan kita lewat malam tadi
Suatu perbualan yang lebih dalam
tentang keresahan yang kita masing-masing pendam

Puisi bagiku adalah seperti kebenaran pahit yang terpaksa kau telan
Yang boleh kau rasa dia hujung lidah
di kelat pada anak tekak.

Puisi bagiku adalah kejujuran
yang tidak semesti ada deklamasi
kerana kita tidak semua berani
untuk menyatakan kebenaran.

Banyak puisiku yang telah lahir di dalam senyap
disorok di dalam gelap
ditolak tepi, lalu mati.
Dibaca hanya sekali.

Terlalu pahit barangkali.

Saturday, December 06, 2014

In The Gutter.

I read somewhere that life is fair, because it is unfair to everyone.

That when you were born, you start dying. The more you live, the more you die. Life is death. Everything around you shorten your life even more, makes you closer to death.

That life is short, you only live once, so do everything. 
That life is short, and you might die now, tonight or tomorrow, so don't do anything stupid.

Stay in that bubble of safety, don't go out. It's too risky.

Everybody contradict themselves some time or another. 

It was the best times, it was the worst times. 

Hang in there, it will get better.

Don't worry, it's just a relapse.

You go up and then you slide back down. Climb back. 

Most people can only climb the Mount Everest once. 


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Hujan air mata.



Hujan pun sudah berhenti.

Air mata bila lagi?

Monday, November 24, 2014

Relapse

Yesterday, something feels weird. My whole body feels off. There is something wrong with my whole existence. Starting over sounds so positive, but this is a terrible deja-vu. This has happened before. It felt so familiar, like a friend. Depression has a beginning, middle and end. However, many people never reached the end, they got stuck in the middle. I, on the other hand, though I have reached the end, I have two beginnings. The thing about depression, the beginning seems to be the worst phase. 

I came back from class and it feels off. Everything feels off. It feels like somebody turned off gravity, and my bed is floating. "I'm just tired," I thought to myself. But I knew immediately what it was. I'm in the biggest denial ever. I saw the elephant across the room, but I pretend not to see it. I don't want to fall back. I refuse to slide back.

But I don't have a choice in the matter. I just can just lay back and watch chaos unfold inside my head.